At this point, I have become numb to this feeling. It’s like a feeling of hunger, or exhaustion, it’s just there. I don’t know if it will ever go away, my confusion. I can’t talk about it anymore. I can’t even think about it anymore. It’s become such a routine in my daily thoughts, almost like checking my email. “My daily groupon, a living social, a coupon off a magazine subscription, oh that daily reminder that my relationships are all fucked up.”
I also have a daily struggle with the concept of happiness. I sit around at this rich ass day camp, listening to these rich ass coworkers talk about how fucked up they’re going to get this weekend, and about sports teams trading players like their opinions on the matter mean anything. They call the gay kid at a work a faggot, and how his father is the coach of the baseball team and hates his own son. I hate this, but I almost feel better than them in a way. But am I really better than them for having thoughts about things that matter? I mean things that matter to me are different than what matters to them. And in the end, does it really matter if I thought about more meaningful things? I think about life and death a lot, but does that make my life any more meaningful than theirs? Its not like I am happier. I guess I feel like I am a better person than them, and in some way I will impact others more than they will. And maybe thats not their goal in life, like it is mine.
I’ve been reading Steve Jobs book, and it encouraged me to watch his graduation speech. It really was a great speech, and he said that if there are multiple days where you get up and you’re not happy with what you are doing, than why are you doing it? And so I feel, why do I have to stay in this shitty summer job, waking up 5 days a week doing the same thing, feeling so unfulfilled? And its because I have to make money. I have to save up for graduate school. I have to be responsible. But I’m not happy. I could have traveled a lot more this summer, or perhaps gotten a job at a summer camp in another state. I could have been bicycling across the country making a ton of new friends and having adventures. But instead, I am here on a Friday night exhausted, sitting on my computer for hours by myself. I just want to be where I want to be. I hate these extrinsic pressures of having to do the responsible thing to please my authority folks. Why am I wasting my time doing something I don’t want to do? Isn’t life worth getting out and being happy. Honestly, who knows when its going to be over! Why waste a second? But I don’t have the courage to live that way. I don’t know many people who do. I see it in movies all the time, but I don’t know anyone like that. Its disappointing.
The there is the whole, you need to have sadness to know what happiness is. And I don’t need to be happy all the time, but I am lacking a certain level of fulfillment. I want to be helping people. I have so much patience for people. At the summer camp I bond with the kids that everyone hates; the fat ones, or the annoying ones, which are consequently the fat ones. Because everyone hates them for those reasons, and so I listen to them because they don’t get attention. And they’re really nice kids. And people treat them badly. Theres a foster care kid who is so nice, but gets into trouble with other kids, and I think she’s great! She’s so smart, and the other kids aren’t on her level, so she picks on them and gets in trouble. I bond with these kids. I feel bad for them, and I want them to feel like someone gets them on some level. I feel bad that they haven’t gone through middle school yet. Life is gonna be rough for them.
I just want to do what I want to do. I want to be independent. I want to experience what I did for a short month this summer, and be independent.